From the Washington Post:
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat?
What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be
enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one
who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are
you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say,
"Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along
shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals
allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the
dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
"Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded
every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are
doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and
when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put
on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go
the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No
wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots
expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to
move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our
destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine
inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait
till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but
they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get
our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders,
kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see
an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden,
but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.
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SEINFELD:
ON DATING:
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job
interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a
job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll
end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you
strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking,
all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last?
About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
ON SEX:
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that
men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what
we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are
like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly
right for it to occur.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If
you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like
sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the
wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail."
"That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is
very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a
month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
THE RELATIONSHIP
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some
reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's
with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to
keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's
our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But
the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles,"
and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke
pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I
didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all
the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding
is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy.
The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know
that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody
just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
ON CLOTHES
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's
raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing
leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
TRAVELING
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word
"ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror,
I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're
reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an
ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way
back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so
people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice
you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed
driver. How discreet.
Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's
either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes,
when you're just sitting there at the gate.
Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe
this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical
because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I
uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in
my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry,
I'll run back and get them."
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20
minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?"
"Around 3 miles."
DEATH
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals
are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists
but they couldn't draw very well.
"Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead
body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"
How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the
ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer
must have been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these
huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design
principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?
What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a
whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in
there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his
cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he
thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid
hitting the other parakeet?"
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will
say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And
the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there
was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the
front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call
it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it.
Case closed."